


Why Can't I Be Queen?

by Sarah1281



Series: Fail Wardens [3]
Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Humor, old fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2018-04-19 01:59:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4728521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarah1281/pseuds/Sarah1281
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mary Sue Cousland has just had a brilliant idea: SHE can be sole ruler of Ferelden instead of Alistair or Anora given how much everyone loves her magical Cousland bloodline. Eamon's not quite convinced it will work but that won't dampen her enthusiasm!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Couslands' Magical Bloodline

"Our position in the Landsmeet is not strong and so I'm going to have to ask you to go out and try to weaken Loghain's position," Arl Eamon said solemnly. "We're going to need more support if we're going to want Alistair to become King."

"I could do that," Mary Sue Cousland agreed. "But I have a better idea!"

"Oh?" Eamon asked, intrigued. He'd thought that he'd gone over every possible contingency while waiting for Mary Sue and Alistair to return from Orzammar but it was entirely possible that he had missed something.

"I think that I should become Queen," Mary Sue announced.

"Well…" Eamon said uncertainly. "I suppose that we could declare that you will be Alistair's consort. That might give us an advantage over Anora who will be alone and it could assuage fears that Alistair won't know what he's doing when he first takes the throne."

Mary Sue shook her head. "Oh, I don't mean marrying Alistair. I think that I should get to become Queen by myself."

Eamon frowned, confused. "And may I ask how you came to this conclusion?"

"I am a Cousland," Mary Sue said as if that explained everything.

"I was aware of that," Eamon replied wryly. "The question still stands."

"Well, Alistair's claim to the throne is hurt by the fact that he's not only a bastard but was never recognized," Mary Sue reasoned. "And Anora, while also the daughter of a Teyrn, is only second generation nobility. I, on the other hand, am the legitimate daughter of a very, very old and very, very powerful noble line. As such, I obviously have a much stronger claim to the throne."

Eamon was beginning to understand why Bryce and Eleanor had refused to let their daughter appear at court. "No," he said slowly. "The fact that you are the legitimate daughter of the deceased Teyrn of Highever means that you have a very strong claim to the teynir of Highever. Your family was never tied to the throne. And even that will take ousting Howe which we really cannot afford to worry about doing until after the Landsmeet is over with and the Blight is defeated."

"But everyone wanted my father to be King instead of Cailan," Mary Sue reminded him, determined not to let this go.

"Not 'everyone' did," Eamon corrected. "Some people did. In fact, I'll even concede that many did. He turned the job down, remember, and threw his support behind Cailan."

"Yes, but the fact that people wanted him to be King means that they are going to want me to be Queen now," Mary Sue insisted.

"I…don't follow," Eamon said, trying to be diplomatic. One good thing about all of this was that he was now firmly convinced that Alistair was selling himself short on his leadership abilities as there was absolutely no way that he was going to believe that this woman had been the one making all the decisions and actually succeeding in convincing the mages, dwarves, and Dalish into aiding Ferelden during its time of need.

"Everyone loved my father," Mary Sue explained again. "I am his daughter. Therefore, everyone will love me."

"That's not quite how these things work," Eamon told her, wondering how he should put this. "Your father was loved not because he was a Cousland per se but because he had a reputation for honesty and integrity as well as a good deal of charisma. He was well-known and well-liked. You, on the other hand, are a virtual unknown. People may have loved your parents but most of the nobles have never even met you and would have to rely on your resemblance to your parents and brother."

"See!" Mary Sue exclaimed triumphantly. "They'll all know that I'm a Cousland!"

"But the issue here is not that nobody will believe that you are a Cousland," Eamon pointed out. "It's that that's frankly not good enough to allow you to take the throne."

"Why not?" Mary Sue asked petulantly, sticking her lower lip out in a pout.

"You mean aside from the fact that you're not an heir or even in the royal succession at all and nobody even knows who you are personally much less what kind of a ruler you would make?" Eamon asked dryly.

To his surprise, Mary Sue nodded. "Yes, other than that."

"Well, technically speaking no one really has a claim to the throne so it's a matter of politics," Eamon revealed. "My faction supports Alistair for King and Anora's faction supports her. A third candidate at this point would only serve to take support away from Alistair and probably allow Anora to keep her throne. Then, of course, the fact that you have no political support means that it's highly unlikely that anybody would actually choose to support you."

"But…but I'm a Cousland!" the girl wailed. "Everybody loves Couslands and our magical bloodlines!"

"Not nearly as much as you seem to think we do," Eamon said tiredly, rubbing his eyes.

"Wait…" Mary Sue breathed, her eyes lighting up. "I've just had a brilliant idea!"

Eamon almost groaned. "Another one? We haven't finished discussing this one yet…have we?" he asked hopefully.

"Nope," Mary Sue said cheerfully. "What if your faction dropped Alistair and started to support me! I could totally be Queen then!"

"You might be able to," Eamon agreed carefully. "Except that my supporters and I want a son of the Theirin bloodline on the throne so why would we agree to that?"

"Well, Alistair doesn't even want the throne in the first place," Mary Sue claimed.

"He seems to be coming around to the idea just fine," Eamon countered. "And either way, he will do his duty."

"Everyone knows that the Cousland bloodline is infinitely shinier, more badass, awesomer, and just overall better than the Theirin bloodline," Mary Sue grandstanded. "Putting me on the throne will ensure that we will have peace and prosperity throughout every day of my reign and the reign of my heirs. Just imagine: this senseless civil war will stop and all of Ferelden will fall in line behind the majesty and perfection of the Cousland name."

"You have quite an imagination…" Eamon told her, seriously beginning to question the girl's sanity and hoping that Alistair didn't have any real desire to have her as his consort. Ferelden just couldn't risk introducing such instability into the Theirin bloodline.

"So it's settled then," Mary Sue said beaming. "I'll go tell Alistair he's off the hook and I can go be the kind of Queen that Ferelden desperately needs. Seriously, you people are really lucky that I'm willing to do this for you."

Eamon opened his mouth to argue and then shut it again realizing that there was really no point in trying to get through to her. She clearly lived in a world quite apart from reality and his words wouldn't reach her. It was best to just humor her for now so she wouldn't try to sabotage him and then speak in favor of Alistair at the Landsmeet. "Why don't you let me handle him? You go…do some Warden thing."

"Alright," Mary Sue said brightly. "I saw my cousin Habren on my way here and she had a gorgeous tiara that would be just perfect for me to wear when I get confirmed Queen at the Landsmeet so I'm off to go steal it now. I'll be back whenever and if you hear anything about a lot of violent scuffles, don't worry, it was probably me and I'll be fine." With that, she practically skipped off secure in the knowledge of her Cousland superiority.

Ladies and gentleman, the would-be Queen of Ferelden.


	2. Fertility Problems? Mild Inconvenience

There were times when Eamon wondered if saving Ferelden from Loghain's tyranny and ensuring that the Theirin lined continued were really worth it after all. Especially when the woman who was supposed to be the mother of Alistair's children just made an announcement like the one she just had. "I swear, I must be hearing things. Could you repeat that?"

Mary Sue nodded magnanimously. "Being eighty and all, it doesn't surprise me that your hearing has started to go."

Eamon coughed. "Actually, I'm forty-six."

Mary Sue's eyes widened. "Are you really? Wow, you haven't aged well. I recommend losing the beard because that adds at least a decade. I suppose being married to such a nagging harpy as Isolde can't help matters either."

Eamon drew back, affronted. "Excuse me, that's my wife you're talking about."

Mary Sue blinked. "I know. I just said that. I should try to be more understanding, though. They say that the mind is the first thing to go and if your hearing is gone, too…"

Eamon closed his eyes. He'd almost forgotten how difficult this girl could be. Upon finding out in the middle of the Landsmeet that she could not, in fact, use the specialness of her Cousland bloodline to steal the throne out from under Anora and hi-er, Alistair's noses then she had reluctantly declared herself Alistair's bride. As changing their minds would look indecisive and they weren't sure if just Alistair would be accepted since the Landsmeet had approved of Alistair and Mary Sue ruling together, there had really been no choice but to honor that arrangement. This was already going to take long enough without addressing every insult she delivered seemingly by accident and so Eamon decided to let her slur against Isolde go unchallenged. Fergus was a fine young man but Eamon really had to wonder sometimes where Bryce and Eleanor had gone wrong with their daughter. "Can you just repeat what you said?"

"I said 'Weisshaupt has recently informed me that it is, in fact, highly unlikely for a Warden to be able to have a child and two Wardens have a better chance of living through successfully killing the Archdemon than to have a child together'," Mary Sue repeated obligingly. "But since I've already done the latter then I'm sure that it will all work out."

"I'm pretty sure they were just using that as an example of something impossible and not saying that if you can live through killing the Archdemon – and I'm a little curious as to why you wouldn't be able to – then you'll be able to have a miracle baby," Eamon pointed out.

"But if I can do one impossible thing then why not two?" Mary Sue shot back.

"Because there is a difference between being able to kill whatever is standing in your way and being able to conceive a child," Eamon said frankly. "I don't know what happened with the Archdemon but unless a heightened fertility or outright pregnancy was involved then that's just not going to help you have a baby."

Mary Sue bit her lip. "So would this hypothetical pregnancy have to be mine or-"

"Yes, it would need to be yours," Eamon said firmly. "Mary Sue, you do realize that the whole reason that I wanted Alistair on the throne in the first place was so that he could carry on the Theirin bloodline? And that he cannot do that if his consort cannot have his children?"

"I thought the whole reason you wanted Alistair on the throne was so that you could rule through Alistair and you wanted him to be your puppet," Mary Sue said, looking confused.

Eamon stared at her. "Wherever did you get such a preposterous idea?"

"Teyrn Loghain kept shouting about it at the Landsmeet," Mary Sue replied promptly. "I figured that he knew you longer and must have had some reason to want you dead so he might be right about that."

"Can we please focus on the issue at hand?" Eamon entreated.

"You mean about the baby?" Mary Sue asked. "Don't worry so much about that. My lack of fertility is really just a minor inconvenience if you think about it."

"I have thought about it," Eamon argued. "And I've certainly put more thought into this than you have, not that that is likely to be saying much. If you do not have an heir then we risk civil war upon Alistair's death!"

"Even if I don't have a child – which I will – then we can always name Fergus' children heirs," Mary Sue assured him. "Either way the good people of Ferelden will be guaranteed to have one of their beloved Couslands on the throne. It would actually be even better that way, I think, as then the Cousland name would actually be the one on the throne."

"I would have thought that the Landsmeet's refusal to accept you alone would have given you a slightly more realistic point of view on that subject," Eamon murmured but Mary Sue seemed not to hear him.

"Like I was saying, I'll have a child some way. I know people, you see," Mary Sue confided. "Why, I know a clan of Dalish who know all sorts of things that might help, and I know the Ferelden Circle of Magi who probably have a whole bunch of knowledge stored somewhere they never bother looking, and I know the dwarves who…well, they can't do magic but they might still have some ideas because they never let their low fertility rate get them down. Plus, Shale and Wynne went off to the Tevinter to try and get Shale turned from a golem back into a dwarf. Surely if they can do that then they can help me get pregnant."

"But you don't know that they can do that," Eamon reminded her. "And even if they can that still seems to be very different then conception. Not to mention that if any of these people really knew how to cause Grey Wardens to be able to procreate together then it wouldn't be considered such an impossibility. And why would any of these groups waste their time on finding a way for such a thing to occur, anyway? It only affects a minority of people who are only truly relevant when a Blight is on and they don't have time to have children. Not to mention that I'm not entirely sure why Wardens can't have children together…?" he hinted.

"Sorry," Mary Sue said shaking her head, not looking particularly sorry at all. "I kind of promised Weisshaupt that I wouldn't talk about it. Really, though, magic does such wonderful things. Look at what the ashes did for you! How can you see how helpful magic can be and doubt that it will be able to aid me in having a child and that the means to do so will be quick and easy to find? Why, I bet if I went up to the Tower right now and said 'Irving, I need your help in letting two Grey Wardens have a child' then he'd go down to the library and find a book detailing just what ritual would need to be performed and I would get pregnant that very night!"

"But if it were really as easy as you say, then why does Weisshaupt think that that's impossible?" Eamon demanded.

"Clearly because Weisshaupt is full of quitters such as you," Mary Sue said sanctimoniously. "If they only applied themselves and asked for help, they would find that they could reproduce with each other as easily – no, easier! – than other people can. Honestly, I know Grey Wardens like secrecy but sooner or later they'll need to realize that they can't do everything themselves…"

"Right. Well…good luck having a royal heir," Eamon said before turning and walking from the room. He truly feared for the future if Ferelden were left in Mary Sue's hands. They might have almost been better off under Loghain (well, he probably wouldn't have been given how much Loghain seemed to despise him and want him dead). Cailan hadn't reacted very well to the idea of setting aside his bride at first and they weren't even in love. Not to mention that by the time his nephew had come around, he had set his sights on the Empress of Orlais of all people which would not have gone nearly so well for Ferelden as Cailan apparently thought for reasons that were obvious to anyone who had half a brain…which Cailan apparently did not, as much as that pained him to admit.

Still, Alistair had managed to rally several different armies and unite all of Ferelden under his banner – and he'd done it with Mary Sue no doubt getting in his way every five minutes which was, if possible, even more impressive. He just had to be smarter than Cailan was and so sooner or later he'd do what was best for Ferelden and get someone more fertile on the throne with him to bear his children.

Someone who, with any luck, was anywhere approaching sane.


End file.
